When I experience emotional pain, I build a fort around myself in an attempt to feel safe. I don’t generally respond this way for sudden and traumatic experiences that cause pain but in response to the microaggressions, sarcastic and sardonic remarks, insults delivered with kind tones, and all the other little pin pricks that wear away at your resolve on a daily basis. For me, this fort manifests in different ways. To keep myself safe from my own thoughts I keep the television on as much as possible, only turning it off to focus on a game that requires little skill but keeps the mind engaged. To be safe from people coming too physically close, I allow clutter to accumulate, not only making it an unappealing space to share but also literally leaving no space for anyone to get close. To avoid spending time with people who don’t treat me with respect, I get deeply involved in secret projects where I have to deny invites with cryptic excuses and sometimes outright lies.
When the fort I build around myself becomes a prison – junky rooms, mountains of paper on my desk, isolation and loneliness – I have to begin to deal with the pain in more constructive ways. I have to allow myself room to think which means having some quiet time – no listening to anything, no talking to anyone. I have to clean up and organize the chaos and mess. I have to stand up for myself and demand respect when necessary as well as give of myself to others who value and love me and let them in.
Along with the entire world, I thought that COVID-related challenges would be temporary. I never believed that we’d close down for two weeks and resume business as usual as many people talked about just before April 3, 2020 – the start of confinement where I live – but imagined it would be closer to two months and I was hoping that I was being overly pessimistic about that much time. Never could I have thought that I would be masking up seven months later with no end in sight. I found myself drinking too much because I mixed cocktails at home rather than going out to have one or two a month on average. My at-home pour is heavy and when I stepped back to look at monthly expenses, I couldn’t believe how much I was spending monthly on alcohol. I am now addicted to lemon pepper chicken wings and coffee. I eat bacon and eggs literally every day. And my grocery and eating out expenses have tripled. I have cancelled doctor appointments for anything preventative – I am at high risk for various cancers and have not had any regularly scheduled preventative screenings. I haven’t had professional dental cleaning and x-rays. I haven’t had my hair professionally styled. I look and feel a whole mess. And my confinement is showing symptoms of agoraphobia.
I refuse to enter 2021 in this weakened state, so I am taking a 40-day fast from November 22nd through December 31st.
I don’t typically fast during the end of the year winter holidays because it is a time for feasting – October: candy; November: Thanksgiving; December: my birthday, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. It’s a time to enjoy extended family and indulge in mac-n-cheese, brown liquor, and pound cake. It’s a time to watch holiday movies and catch winter finales of my favorite series. Holiday music is a constant soundtrack of the season. And it’s a time to dismiss the insensitive remarks from family and friends for the sake of creating pleasant memories.
Because I have no idea what the holidays will bring – I forgot when Halloween happened until I looked at the date on that day and we totally forgot that Thanksgiving is upon us – I am doing a modified fast. While I’m not missing out on my sister’s mac-n-cheese and tropical pound cake that only makes an appearance twice a year, I have a list of foods that have become a comfort and a crutch that I will be abstaining from during this time. I’m limiting my television time to one news show, one feature length film, and one hour of sitcoms a day – I will not miss out on my annual viewing of Miracle on 34th Street, This Christmas, The Preacher’s Wife and It’s A Wonderful Life.
Since there will be no travel or visitors during the holidays, I will be completing several declutter challenges to get my space in order, and thus get my life together. My holiday decorating will be limited to my Advent calendar, turning on the birch trees that stay up all year, and glimmer strings in my lanterns and on my shelves – which means the only thing I’m pulling out of storage will be 4 DVDs and my Advent calendar. I also have some organization projects related to work that I will be tackling during this time – I look forward to seeing the top of my standing desk and emptying the storage bins where I dumped things I haven’t sorted.
I won’t have to make a lot of time to avoid people and have meaningful times of silence due to COVID-related restrictions, but I will be making some strides against the cabin fever and agoraphobic-ish reactions that are becoming harmful to my spirit and mental stability.
Every day I will get outside for some movement – temps where I live are like Spring and Fall with very little rain so I have no excuses there. Every day I will run an errand using the necessary precautions versus having everything delivered. And I plan to go to the beach at least once a week, likely on Sundays for some quiet time in nature and time to write.
With these sacrifices, I expect to tear down my fort of safety and the self-made prison so that I can receive spiritual rejuvenation and answered prayers that will bolster my resolve and give me strength to tackle 2021 come what may.
I am Regina Lynette 