I wrote a letter to my 11-year-old self a couple of years ago and I was surprised at how I handled it. It turned out to be a wonderful personal exercise and I truly wish 11-year-old me could receive and read it. I feel like I might have embraced my true self much earlier if I knew that no matter what I did, everything would still be okay eventually. But I might not be on this whole “identity” project right now so, I dunno, bittersweet and mixed feelings.
Dearest Gina,
Happy Birthday! You are eleven this year and at 42 years old, I wanted to write to you about some things to come. First of all, it’s time to accept one important fact – you are different. You are different from your neighbor friends, your school friends, and your community friends. And it’s okay. In fact, it’s good. The faster you accept it the faster you can embrace everything that comes with it and the easier it is to enjoy life. The second thing to know is that this is a significant year. This is the year your life purpose will be revealed. And lastly, things unfold rather slowly for you so know and remind yourself that this is okay.
You are different.
This is an important year.
Life unfolds slowly for you.
I want to tell you the secrets and all the answers to your questions but that’s not best. You have to learn and experience your life as it comes. But one of the things I can’t share with you in detail is coming soon and will be challenging. Your life is going to shift, and it will reinforce the first important thing I mentioned – you are different. The best way to manage the next seven years – which are going to be challenging – is to remember and understand that all things may not be good; all things won’t be bad; but all things work together for good.
That brings me to the significance of this year – your purpose will be revealed to you this year. And this is also why your life begins to shift. You’ll reject it and doubt it and that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do. You’ll wrestle with it as you should. Here’s my advice – live your life in a pattern of intense awareness of self and surroundings alternating with times of mindless wandering and meandering. The moment something significant happens – something that provokes strong emotions which usually include fear or anger or sadness – remind yourself that everything that happens this year is to shift your life towards your purpose and calling. It’s all supposed to happen this way and if you change your perspective, you can feel better sooner. Don’t worry about trying to understand it. Just remember it has to happen exactly as it does – your life is unfolding exactly as it should in the most perfect way.
Now, that brings me to the perfect and slow unfolding of your life. Remind yourself that patience is key. Exercising patience will get you through every year of your life going forward. Go ahead and dream and plan and pursue goals and dreams but try to go easy on the timeline. Unfortunately, we don’t get to find out the actual timing of our lives. But don’t lose heart. If you didn’t imagine the right date, either accept that things happened earlier than expected and roll with it, or if it didn’t happen when you thought it should have, set another date in the future and keep moving forward. Just because you didn’t get the date right doesn’t mean you got the dream wrong. Remember that whatever desire has been placed in your heart is a part of the overall plan.
But no letter from your future self should exclude all specifics. What’s the purpose of reaching out to you if all I have to offer is the larger life lessons I’ve learned? Here are a few tips to make life a wee bit sweeter. You have the power to choose in these circumstances but consider my words when making your choices.
You probably already know that a new school is coming, and Mommy wants you there. Your fifth-grade teacher already knows you need to be there so follow her guidance. Your sixth-grade teacher is a real bully. If you’re going to take a stand with her, bring Mommy into the plan early. She’s going to push you to react, and Mommy needs to understand that you simply cannot tolerate a bully. When foreign language classes come around take French, not Spanish. The Spanish teacher is easier and more laid back, true, but the French teacher isn’t nearly as bad as she seems and it’s French that you need. Mommy’s plan for us has an end point in college. It’s perfect because it takes you up to the point where you’ll have another significant life shift so roll with it but start to imagine your own ideas of life after college.
You’ll have a series of life path changes that will place your choices in two categories – one that’s not ideal but will keep you close to friends and family; and one that is new and appealing but leaves behind some people. Never make that choice based on who will be beside you. There are a lot of people who are in your life for a season so let them go when the time comes. The people who are there for a lifetime will show up along either path. Oh, and you know that boy that everyone treats cruelly? The one who even the adults mistreat? Take your compassion for him a step further and actually treat him with kindness. And be open to friendship – he grows up to be very smart, handsome, and kind, but don’t do it for that reason. Do it because he’s a great guy to have in your life. He’s a seasonal character but it’s a good season.
Your dating life will be very different from your friends’ and family’s. First, you will find yourself more attracted to brains than brawn and almost never will be in competition with any of your friends for the same kind of guy. The first brain that catches your eye will be in your heart for years, but he is only in your life for a season. Learn from that relationship and let it go. The second brain that catches your eye will teach you the kinds of lessons that no one is able to explain about love and relationships. But be careful with his heart. He cares for you more than he shows you – maybe even more than he believes he does at the time so be gentle with him. The third brain who catches your eye will test all the lessons you learned about love and relationships. I want to tell you not to force the relationship, but he does really reinforce your understanding of self-respect so it’s up to you. Just gird your loins because a relationship with him is a real roller-coaster in a wind storm.
As far as that secret you’ve been keeping from the time you can remember, it will stop eventually. But understand that no one has a right to touch you. You are not sending secret messages through your eyes that you are not in control of so don’t be confused by what they say – you are being blamed for someone’s lack of control. And it is their responsibility to remain in control of their actions and they have a choice to make, so the consequences are theirs and not yours. Be horrified if you’re touched and be livid if you’re told you got what you wanted. Make a lot of noise of any kind. I know it took courage to tell that teacher what happened and I’m sorry she blamed you because it takes a child a lot of years to understand that adults can be wrong. If the schoolteachers don’t listen, go to the vice-principal, principal, guidance counselor, Mommy and Daddy, and if no one listens, go to the police. You won’t get justice so you can choose to be quiet until adulthood if you prefer and as I said it will eventually be okay. But if you are loud now, someone will be forced to listen to you. Don’t be afraid of getting into any kind of trouble with any means you choose to stop people from putting their hands on you. I only want you to know that telling and getting help is a viable choice and that I don’t want you to stop until you get what you need – the sooner the better.
Lastly, I want you to start writing in your journal daily or at least once every week this year. Then on your 12th birthday, read every entry in order. Keep this journal forever and read it again on your 42nd birthday. Trust me, it will be mind-blowing!
I love you.
You are strong.
Nothing is an accident.
Live with intention.
Enjoy Paris.
And tell Mommy to go to the doctor in December 1989. Tell the family to come home for Christmas that year. And no matter if they listen to you or not, know that it will all be ok.
Gina
I am Regina Lynette 